Felt Like The First Time

When I moved to Vegas I decided to try stand-up comedy, for fun and to maybe make some friends. I figured I would bomb the first time I took the stage, so I decided to do it in a town where no one would know me. I was going to be in Austin, Texas to speak at a conference, and a friend told me about an open mic night at a pizza restaurant. It was two years ago today.

The restaurant, called Conan’s, has since shut down and I can venture a guess why – people were smoking pot as they ate their pizza. I walked in that night and thought, I think I smell pot. I wonder if someone is smoking pot? Oh, that guy is smoking pot. And that guy. And that lady. And that guy. And this was an open restaurant, with people coming in and out to pick up pizzas and watch the comedy show. I had heard Austin was weird, but this was really weird.

I signed up to perform, and the guy in charge told me they’d call me up to the stage when it was my turn. I had written some jokes about TV shows, and was starting out with a few about the show To Catch a Predator. Finally it was my turn. I hit the stage, smiled, and said…

“Do you ever have a day where you don’t have to work and…”
Some stoner interrupted me by calling out, “Dude, we don’t have jobs.”
“Yeah,” another joined him, “jobs suck.”
“Okay,” I continued, “Well, if you don’t have to work, you ever have a day where you can sit and watch TV all day and…”
“That’s all we do, dude. We watch TV,” stoner guy informed me.
“Yeah, okay,” I didn’t want this to be a conversation with the guy, but it was quickly becoming that. “And you can sit and watch TV all day and you end up watching a marathon of a show. Where they show like an entire season of a show in one day? Well, one time…”
“Awwww, dude, I know what you’re talking about!”
“So this one time I watched like a bunch of episodes of To Catch a Predator.”
“Dude, never heard of it.”
It was a nightmare, in a cloud of smoke. That guy will never remember it, but I’ll never forget.